By Justin Taylor
In my 30 years of following this team I’ve never seen a
Warriors squad exceed expectations by this much. I was on record predicting a 48 win season and a playoff
appearance this season. That didn't lessen the shock when they refused to fall apart as
the injuries mounted during the regular and postseason runs. Now that the
season is over it’s time to look ahead to the offseason and what can be done to
build on this cornerstone of a season we just witnessed.
You may not know this but I’ve recently appointed myself to
the role of Golden State Warriors front office advisor. The team will
undoubtedly conduct exit interviews this week if they haven’t already and this
is a transcript of the input I will be contributing to those conversations
starting from the very top!
Joe Lacob, Owner:
Looking Back: You did a fantastic job stepping out of the
spotlight this season. You also continued to make good on your promise to
improve this team by letting the best and brightest basketball minds do what
they do best.
Looking Forward: Keep doing what you’re doing but be
prepared to spend some extra cash this coming season. Whether you keep this
team intact or add to it some other way you’re going over the tax line next
season. Don’t worry though, we both know that you’ll get back under the
following season when the Biedrins/Jefferson dead weight comes off the books.
Peter Guber, Co-Owner:
Peter Guber, Co-Owner:
Looking Back: You also did a great job of staying out of the
spotlight this season. The fact is, we all know how happy you are to spend all
of your money on the Los Angeles Dodgers and we have no problem with that as
long as you stay down there.
Looking Forward: Since you are the self proclaimed “In Game
Experience Guru” there are only two things you need to concern yourself with.
1) Improve the WiFi in the arena and 2) dump whatever other money you would
spend on theatrics into the roster. The only thing that makes the Oracle
experience better are wins and playoff appearances.
Bob Myers, General Manager:
Bob Myers, General Manager:
Looking Back: You were the Barry Bonds of front office execs
for the last twelve months, hitting home run after home run. Even though I am
the self appointed management oversight committee guy I really don’t feel
qualified to critique your spotless record. In fact, your stat sheet is so
clean I might recommend testing you for some sort of PED’s.
Looking Forward: Keep doling out team friendly contracts like
the one you gave Steph Curry. Keep nailing late round draft picks and keep turning
scrubs like Dorrell Wright into contributors like Jarrett Jack or Carl Landry.
If you can get Biedrins and Jefferson off the books a year early without taking
on any water for future seasons I will personally get your Hall of Fame
campaign ramping up in just your second year of employment in the NBA.
Seriously, we’ll take some already chewed gum and a sack of marbles for them.
If you can’t get the marbles we’ll all understand.
Mark Jackson, Coach:
Looking Back: I was skeptical before the season that you and
this team were ready to make the leap into relevancy, especially if the team
couldn’t stay healthy. I was wrong on all counts and I think that admitting
mistakes is what qualifies me for this job. Your ability to keep this group of
young men motivated to play defense and rebound in the face of impending doom,
multiple times throughout the season, without the message getting old was
admirable. Actually, getting any team with a Warriors logo on its jersey to
rebound and defend at any point is a pretty incredible feat.
Looking Forward: We’re not out of the woods in this evaluation
because Mike Malone is most likely going to get his own club this coming season.
We need to see someone drawing up plays that actually work. You can sell me by
either proving your ability to do this yourself or by continuing to show a
willingness to bring in people smarter than you to play key roles on your
staff.
Stephen Curry, Point Guard:
Looking Back: Talk about exceeding expectations!?!?! First, you showed an incredible amount of heart in gutting out many of the 90 total games you played this year. Then you made a leap so big that national media members had to publicly apologize for not putting you on their All Star teams. You played so damn well this season that people practically forgot that the front office traded Monta Ellis for a guy who barely played this year.
Looking Forward: Paying you $11-12 million a year for the next four is going to be an absolute privilege for this team. All we ask is you stay off your ankle all offseason. We will be providing you with a wheelchair and a “chauffer” so you don’t have to strain yourself at all. We have already informed Richard Jefferson that his role with the team this coming season is simply to push you around wherever you need to go this summer. We thought about using Andris but were afraid he might start boozing again and run you into a wall at some point.
David Lee, Power Forward:
Looking Back: This season you became the first Warriors All Star since before Latrell Sprewell chocked out the coach. You also took it in stride when the stat nerd community labeled you the Golden Gate on the defensive side of the ball. You are to be commended for your hard work and dedication to this team!
Looking Forward: We need you to realize two things this offseason: 1) You’re offensive numbers are unnecessary and 2) your defense needs to improve. The team proved in your absence that we are better off with Steph getting extra shots over force-feeding you the ball in the post. We will lean on you to eat up minutes in the regular season for stretches but if you can’t improve on the defensive end I’m going to recommend that the team trade you even if that recommendation will surely get me banned from Oracle by Joe Lacob.
Andrew Bogut, Center:
Looking Back: You’re performance in three or four playoff games was enough to make everyone realize what most already knew; the trade to acquire you was absolutely the right move.
Looking Forward: We’re going to need more than 30 grimace filled regular season games and six out of twelve playoff games next year. We don’t want to put you back on the trade market but we absolutely will if we don’t get more next year. Just to show you how committed to your health we are we’re putting you on the Curry offseason program and will be assigning Asst. Coach Pete Myers to push your wheelchair and get you cold Fosters all offseason. Cheers mate.
Jarrett Jack, Point Guard:
Looking Back: You were our 6th man of the year this season no doubt. Pay no mind to all of the uproar over your little over-dribbling problem in the postseason, it was a necessary evil and you meant more to this team than anybody has given you credit for.
Looking Forward: We look forward to low balling you with an offer sheet this offseason and wish you the best if you can get overpaid elsewhere. Before you accept our ridiculously low offer we need you know there is one thing you must improve this offseason; your peripheral vision. If you continue taking fadeaways and floaters when Steph, Klay and B. Rush are open in the corner Jerry West is going to have a heart attack and we’ll be forced to charge you with manslaughter.
Carl Landry, Power Forward:
Looking Back: I still can’t believe that no team in the league would top the contract you played under this season. Four million dollars? Wow! There are only a handful of guys around the league who outplayed their deal by as wide a margin you did.
Looking Forward: We wish you luck on the open market in July but we’re all hoping we get the chance to underpay you on another one year contract this coming season.
Klay Thompson, Shooting Guard:
Looking Back: You made a giant leap this season after your early season meltdowns. Everyone wishes you were a bit more marketable but not everyone has the ability to change facial expressions.
Looking Forward: Next season you will be expected to show up in EVERY game on the offensive and defensive side of the ball. If we see you pouting when things aren’t going your way we will not hesitate to dock your allowance again!
Richard Jefferson, Small Forward:
Looking Back: You could have justified your albatross of a contract Barry Zito style by hitting one goddamn free throw when it mattered. Was that too much to ask?!?!?
Looking Forward: If we can’t get the bag of beans we’re
seeking in a trade for you this offseason we’re all hoping that you are
remembered for something more than filling Kent Bazemore’s car with popcorn
next season. Be careful when pushing Steph’s wheelchair!
Andris Biedrins, Center:
Looking Back: With a ton of help from you this season I’ve finally convinced every fan, coach, player and front office exec that the promise you showed as a kid will never be fulfilled. Thanks for not showing any flashes that may have confused that message!
Looking Forward: Please try to keep the smoking and drinking to a minimum this summer. If you do, just make sure you’re not photographed, especially if you happen to be with a prostitute at the time. We’re trying to trick one of the dumber teams in the league to take you off our hands and we can’t have anything getting in the way of that.
Harrison Barnes, Small Forward:
Looking Back: If we had to do it over again we’d tank
another ten times to make sure we got you as our starting small forward. We’re ecstatic to have you and your canned
postgame interviews for the next 10 years!
Looking Forward: We can’t promise Tony Parker will be guarding you at any point next season. We do know that if you stay as aggressive as you were when he was on you you’ll have a long, lucrative career in this league.
Festus Ezeli, Center:
Looking Back: Being Adonal Foyle reincarnated is nothing to be ashamed of. Taking on Richard Jefferson’s corpse was a small price to pay for that; being as though it wasn’t my money on the line.
Looking Forward: Everybody is looking forward to seeing you start the 50 or 60 games Andrew Bogut misses again next season!
Draymond Green, Basketball Player:
Looking Back: There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that you were the steal of the draft and that was before you started hitting threes in the playoffs. Your IQ, toughness and versatility have me you a Dub Nation favorite.
Looking Forward: We’d like you to continue working on your shot because when you push your ass out on your three point stroke it reminds us a little too much of Antawn Jamison. We promise that if you do that and keep progressing we will trade David Lee to make room for you in the starting line up. I’m just sorry I won’t be allowed in the arena once it happens for being the guy who suggests that to Lacob.
Kent Bazemore, Shooting Guard:
Looking Back: In my 30 years of following this team I’ve never seen a guy who played so little become such a huge fan favorite (Jeremy Lin doesn’t count). You were hands down the NBA Most Valuable 12th Man.
Looking Forward: If you add a jump shot to your celebrations we will guarantee you a three year contract!
Scott Machado, Point Guard:
Looking Back: We hardly knew you…
Looking Forward: Based on your college resume you could be the exact change of pace distributor this team needs. Last year I recommended Jason Kidd at this time and BOY was I wrong. Don’t me look stupid again if I put in a good word for you in Vegas…
Can’t wait to see you all at Summer League!
